


Perfect

by Morethancupcake



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Jealousy, M/M, Misunderstandings, Past Sexual Abuse, Self-Hatred, past prostitute/Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-09
Updated: 2014-12-11
Packaged: 2018-02-28 19:13:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2743970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morethancupcake/pseuds/Morethancupcake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Now he wants to laugh at himself for thinking for a second he could deserve perfect."</p><p>Dean discovers by accident a whole part of Castiel's past he didn't know about. Dealing with it is harder than expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I guess I'm just not in the mood for fluff, these days.
> 
> This focuses only on Dean's perception, Dean's point of view. Lots of self-hate, lots of misunderstanding and self-deprecating thoughts. 
> 
> This story is completely written, I'll try to post everything quickly.  
> Unfortunately no beta, so all mistakes are mine, and I apologize for them. Remember english isn't my first language, and kindly point them to me if you must :)

Dean knew he was supposed to fuck up.

He knew, because people were constantly reminding him his time with Cas wasn't supposed to last.

Castiel would soon realize what a waste of space he was. John's words. Mary had been kinder, hinting maybe they weren't looking for the same things in life. This one had stung. Hard. Sammy had said something along the lines of "Dude, seriously, if you hurt Cas I'll end you, brother or not". Fair enough. He could feel Charlie's eyes following his every move when they all were out without Cas, he could see Benny monitoring his interactions with almost everyone at work, and gosh, even Bobby had taken a little time to sit him in his office and bluntly tell him "not to play with the poor boy's heart" and to "find yourself another plaything, boy".  
And if his eyes were red and he was sniffling under a car after, no one seemed to notice anyway.

The truth was, he loved Castiel. 

Completely.

And while he knew he was supposed to fuck up, because come on, that was kind of part of his legend, there was nothing, nothing that could make him walk away

Finally, finally, after years of watching him talking to Sam, laughing with Benny or just reading next to him in silence, finally, after years of kissing the wrong lips, holding people who weren't right, finally..

Finally he was Cas'. And maybe one day he'll miss tits (as Jo said with a smirk when he finally pluck up the courage to enter the Roadhouse holding Cas' hand), maybe one day he'll just realize he wasn't ready for the apple-pie life Castiel was craving (this one was from Gabriel, which was kind of hilarious considering he was dating Sam, and Dean hadn't even said a word to that). Maybe.  
But at the end of the day, when they were only together, when the door was closed and it was silent, he just couldn't see it. 

They didn't know about the morning kisses and the coffee he would bring Castiel in bed, because he hated the cold. They didn't know about the texts during the day, and the daydreaming he wasn't proud of. They certainly didn't know about how sometimes seeing Castiel mad at him would reduce him to tears, and begging, and swearing everything could be okay, everything would be right, please, Cas, please, just don't leave.

People think he'll break Castiel by leaving.

Loving Castiel shattered his being into a infinity of small pieces, and Castiel, beautiful, wonderful Castiel is here to hold him together. Make him new, and better. And maybe it's just bullshit, maybe it's just the lust talking, but goddamn, he feels like everything with Castiel is perfect, and right, and if he really must say it then yes, he feels like a freaking virgin all over again in his arms, and fuck if this isn't the most wonderful feeling in the world, to feel like Castiel brought him back from Hell and gave him a second chance.

So yeah. It is what it is. It's certainly not perfect, but it looks like it, when they're eating dinner together in their new appartment, when they're watching TV curled up under an old quilt, or when they're making love on their hideous couch. Dean will say it, over and over again. Perfect.

Perfect, he thinks as he slowly put down his mug in front of him, trying not to notice how bad his fingers are trembling.

Now he wants to laugh at himself for thinking for a second he could deserve perfect.


	2. Chapter 2

He didn't mean to snoop into Castiel thing.  
And actually, he didn't really need to. Castiel didn't believe in password and secrets. Before they were even a couple, before Dean had gathered enough liquid courage to hold his hand in the dark, he knew all about the other man's secrets. "Seriously, dude, your password for everything is guineapig ?" "Shut up Dean, just shut up".  
Castiel would ask him to read his texts for him whe he was busy cooking, would call him from work "Dean I don't have time to explain how all my files are covered in peanut butter, right now I need you to log into my computer and print everything please !", would even tell him to pick is credit card for groceries and trust him with it as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

After years of "Where were you ? Really ? Show me your phone then, who was that, who is she", it was a breath of fresh air, and Dean had followed with ease. 

He had told Castiel everything, before even their first date, and had felt a little dizzy when the only answer he got had been "Thank you for telling me. May I kiss you know, or would that be too forward ?"

Stupid boy, with his stupid blue eyes.

Dean had spend nights thinking about how wrong he is for Castiel, how dumb he is, how inadequate he feels when Castiel talks, sometimes. And Castiel's family still thinks it's hilarious to tease Dean about the fact his good look got him such a rich and intelligent boyfriend. From all the things they said to him with polite smiles and cold eyes, this was the worst. Hinting Castiel couldn't want him for anything else than his body, that Castiel couldn't possibly be interested in anything he had to say.

Dean used to turn tricks sometimes. Something he would like to forget. But can't.  
When he was away, when he realised college wasn't going to be that easy, and some months he would just end up with having to make a choice between books and food.  
It's not a good memory, and when people tease him about being a boy toy, he holds Cas' hand really hard. Cas always squeezes back, and coldly tells people to shut up.

God he is wrong for Castiel. Stupid. Whore. And those are just top of the list. So he supposes he just deserved it, in the end. He crosses his arms to stop shaking, and put a hand in front of his eyes. He's laughing, but fat tears are running down his cheeks.  
What a stupid fuck he has been.

He likes Balthazar. A lot. As much as it pains him to say so, Balthazar has been nothing but a friend from day one, when everyone around Castiel was just horrified by him. Balthazar had just smiled and offered them a beer. Yes he's arrogant, and boisterous, and sometimes Dean wants nothing more than to gag him with one of his stupid V-necks. But Balthazar is Cas' best friend, he's always supportive of him, and always eager to help them out. He was there to help them move in together, he was the one who pushed Michael into the pool that night at Castiel's parents and made it look like an accident, he was even the one who bragged about Dean's love for books and classical rock. Dean could have loved him for only this. Or maybe the pool thing. The pool thing was still one of his best memories.

It's funny, how in all these months, being jealous of Balthazar hasn't been an issue.  
Funny, because Dean is by essence jealous and possessive. He tries to deal with it. He tries.

And yet, before tonight, Balthazar was never a name that could make him mad.

They could talk about all of Castiel's coworkers, all these people who just couldn't get the fact Castiel was taken, and his, and would put their cards in his pockets, send him texts, and e-mails, and just try.  
And Dean gets it, because come on, he was pretty pathetic back then, stalking Cas whenever he got the possibility, being incapable of talking to him without turning beet red, and usually making a fool of himself.

But Castiel is his, goddamn it

Balthazar used to find it so very funny, answering to all the e-mails and texts, using his sharp tongue and his wit, and it made them laugh, and now, thinking about it, Dean just feels sick. The tears are still rolling, and he can feel himself starting to sob, and he can't even find in himself to be mad. He just feels empty.

In front of him, a picture of Cas and Balthazar, kissing.  
There's more of them. 

It makes him sick to his stomach just to think about the rest, but apparently the folder named "Baz" contains nearly 500 pictures, and some videos.

And still crying, Dean watches them all.

 

He's not stupid enough to think they're recent. He can see they're from the past, some of them are probably from Cas' college years. He looks younger, insolent and free. Balthazar looks exactly the same, maybe less lines around his eyes, but there's no way to interpret this as anything but pictures from a time when they were happy. And in love.

He feels a weight in his chest, and can't really make himself stop. There's some things he would rather not see, naked bodies, kisses, pieces of a story he had no idea existed before tonight. He can see them together in different countries, for Christmas, during birthdays, and he wonders how they managed to hide all of this from him.  
How they managed to hide a huge part of their lifes together.

People call Dean Winchester dumb, and they are right.

The first video is a short one. They are somewhere sunny and warm, it could be Italy, or France, in a garden next to a beautiful house. Castiel is smiling so much it's almost surreal, because selfishly, Dean used to think these smiles were just for him, and stupidly, he used to believe Cas when he would say things like "you're my only reason to smile, Dean. I didn't know I could be happy before us." 

Dumb

The second one. He stops as soon as he realises what he's seing and gags. He doesn't even remember clearing the history and closing the computer. He doesn't remember running to the bathroom and emptying his stomach in the sink. 

He is standing in the kitchen with another mug of hot tea, skin red and almot raw after the scalding shower he took. He can't remember how long he stood there, trying not to think. His phone pings and he doesn't even bother with an answer.

"We'll probably be late. Balthazar has been nice enough to offer me his couch. I'll miss you. I love you, Dean."

He cries himself to sleep that night.


	3. Chapter 3

In the morning, he tries to tell himself it's ok. It's fine. 

Castiel was right not to tell him, seeing how he reacted. Crying like a bitch and making himself sick, no wonder he can't be trusted.  
After his second cup of coffee, he starts to accept this wasn't perfect, and this wasn't going to last, because who is he to think Castiel deserves someone like him ? Of course Castiel didn't tell him about Balthazar, because what they have is nowhere near what they both had before, and what they still have now, without Dean. They're working together, they're doing these things, like travelling to New York to see artists in galleries, and tasting wine, and Dean never was a part of that, so why making a huge deal of all this ? The signs were there all along, he was just kidding himself, thinking they were in for the long run.

People call Dean Winchester a loser, and they are right.

He was staying behind before, warming Castiel's bed and seeing his brother, playing video games and answering his phone right away, telling stupid things like "I miss you, I love you, please be back soon." Nothing has changed, he'll still stay behind. 

When it's lunch time and Sam's dropping by to share a sandwich with him, he's kind of okay with everything, and is toying with the idea that maybe, probably, Castiel and Balthazar are still together, and he feels like an idiot because it makes so much sense. He listens to Sam talking bout mom, and his new job, and Gabriel, and he tries not to think too much about their trips, and the week ends, and how sometimes he would find them whispering secrets during parties, and how stupid can he be, really.

Sam asks about Castiel, and Dean smiles and answers. Perfect.

He remembers Balthazar saying he wasn't capable of commitment, and saying he would probably never settle down with anyone. He remembers when he finishes work and when he laughs with Bobby and Benny. He remembers during the drive home, when he stops for Castiel favorite cake and tea, when he chats with Gabriel. He remember Castiel's sad eyes when Balthazar has said "Being with you two is perfect, I get to monopolize Castiel here while you play Martha Stewart home. Everything is perfect, Dean-boy."

They work perfectly, yes.  
Before tonight, Dean hadn't realise how perfect things were, yes.  
He gets to be with Castiel, who says he loves him, who knows everything about him and still want to hold his hand. He wonders if Castiel told Balthazar everything he said. Probably. That puts tears into his eyes, but he breathes deep and blink them away.  
He supposes that's why they picked him. Using an innocent would not be right, but Dean Winchester is not innocent, far from it. He used to sell himself, used to go with anyone who wanted him, sometimes for nothing more than a warm meal. Castiel is doing him a favor, really. He should be grateful. 

He unlocks the door, starts to make food, and wonders if he's going to be able to stay calm, if he'll embarass himself again. Castiel doesn't like when he drinks alone, but tomorrow is Saturday, and he won't be working, and maybe everything will be easy with a little help. 

It's his fourth whiskey on an empty stomach when the door opens and Castiel enters, wearing clothes that aren't his, and smelling like someone else's perfume. If there's tears in Dean's eyes, he'll blame the chili he's slicing.

"I'm so sorry about last night". Castiel wraps himself around him, arms on his hips, and nuzzles his neck. "This whole seminar was a very very bad idea on our part. We finished early this morning, and it wouldn't have been fair to you."

"You had fun ?" his voice is so rough it sounds like gravel. He can feel Cas frowning, seeing the bottle and doing the math, but he can't bring himself to say anything. He's numb.

"Well, I'm not sure it would met your definition of the word." Castiel fingertips play on Dean as long as they can before he goes to the fridge and gets himself a beer. Dean can see him move gracefully, and he's devastated when he thinks that maybe, maybe, Castiel was with Balthazar, maybe he was in his arms. Balthazar got to see the marks Dean left on his skin, got to kiss these perfect lips, got to hear Cas pants in his ear how much he loves him. Maybe he needs to stop marking him, then. "What's wrong ?" Castiel is leaning against the counter, legs crossed in front of him. He mistook the look Dean gave him for interest, and Dean cannot blame him, because even now, even with his heart broken, Castiel is still the center of his world, and he would do everything, everything to keep him.

"Just a rough day today." Dean resumes his moves and finishes the dish. Castiel's favorite. "I'll go take a shower, can you watch this until it's ready ?"

He can do this. 

People call Dean Winchester stubborn, and they are right.

Castiel is used to his moods. He doesn't say much when Dean declines the food and just excuses himself to bed. Pretending to read, in this bed that's supposed to be their (he wonders if maybe something happened here too, and he closes his eyes for a minute), Dean can hear everything. Castiel cleaning the kitchen and putting everything away, before closing the doors, and the windows, turning off all the lights and moving up the stairs. He can hear him pause in the room he uses as an office, and then coming closer. Closer. Dean doesn't lift his eyes from his book when Castiel enters the room, puts his clothes away and get to their bathroom. They're so domestic, together. It used to make him feel safe and happy. Loved. Now he realises the apple-pie life Castiel was craving was just the only thing Balthazar couldn't give him. The only thing that makes Dean entitled to all of this. 

"Are you ready to tell me what's wrong ?" Castiel is smiling, but his smile is unsure. He's wearing Dean's sweat pants, and they hung dangerously low on his hips. He's on the process of massaging lotion on his arms, and climbs the bed to sit right next to Dean, who can just look at him, mesmerized. Somehow, it's the same scene every night, but tonight he realises this is his. For just a moment, this is them, and as much as Castiel can love Balthazar, he won't give him this. Dean pushes his glasses and the reader aside, and kisses him. He doesn't need much coaxing to get Castiel under him, pants and underwear pushed away, hands everywhere. He can feel his heartbeat, like a crazy bird under his ribcage, and can feel Castiel's erratic breathing on his skin. He kisses him until he's dizzy, until all he can think is Castiel, and his taste, and his moans, and the way his nails are scratching his back.

He maps his chest with kisses, nips and licks. He can feel Cas' heart under his lips, and he feels so lucky to be able to worship the man he loves.

And so he does.

He kisses all the skin he can reach. The sweet inside of his legs, these hipbones. He licks at his shaft and can hear Castiel panting. He sucks gently at the top and Castiel all but growls, fingers unforgiving in his hair. He loves him. 

It doesn't take much effort to put Castiel in position in front of him, and with a little smile and a hand on his hips, Castiel is more than happy to execute himself.

Dean used to hate it. People fucking his face. It was giving them too much power, it was offering himself and he hated feeling powerless. He used to take, and to give, and no one ever complained about it. This just wasn't allowed. 

Castiel has been his first real boyfriend. And Dean had decided he was ready to try, he wanted to try, because it was love, even if he was too scared in the beginning to accept it. Making love with Cas had nothing to do with the messy handjob and blowjobs he used to perform at one point. 

It's been a long time since he thought about his past during sex. Dean supposes it's not a good sign. But if Castiel wants to use him, might as well give it his all.

He can feel him tense, his moves getting harsher, quicker. Castiel is looking at him with this look that is pure lust, and love, and it's just not fair this can't be between only them. Does Balthazar get to see this look too ? He pries Castiel fingers away from his skull, and the other man stops, eyes suddenly worried. He starts to talk, probably ask if everything his okay, but Dean just licks at the head and whispers "Mark me", and it's done. He closes his eyes and if he cries, Castiel is too lost in sensation to notice it.

When Castiel wakes up later, groggy and hands searching for Dean, the bed is empty.  
He finds Dean sleeping on the backseat of the car, just like he used to do in college when the nightmares were less about John's fists, and more about dirty bathrooms and cold tiles under his knees.


	4. Chapter 4

Castiel is worried.

Dean knows, and he had tried to lift up the mood with jokes. But Castiel is bright, and his eyes know too much.  
He tries to ask if Dean needs to talk, but Dean knows better than to fall for this. He cajoles him, tells him it was "just a nightmare Cas, you know how safe I feel when I sleep in baby. You said yourself you had a long week, it wouldn't have been fair to you, just like you said". Dean kisses him and laugh, makes breakfast and asks about their week-end. Castiel's smile is tentative, but he sits down at the table and eats. He curls his fingers around Dean's and talk about books and groceries and laundry soap, and the younger man watches him and think "This is perfect, this is love, I don't care about the rest, this is what I want".

"Balthazar asked me, but I could always.." The name that used to make him smile is now like a cold shower. Before he can even stop himself, the words fall from his mouth.

"You just spent the whole week with him, and now you want to go again ?" Castiel is surprised, but not as much as he is. 

"Well, working all night isn't exactly the same, Dean." Dean gets his fingers back and takes his plate to the bin. He's not hungry anymore. "Do you have a problem with me going ? You had plans for us ?"

"No". He winces because even to his own ears his voice sounds broken. "I just thought.."

"You just thought what Dean ?" Castiel tone is annoyed, and Dean can feel himself tense. He knows that reaction, it was the one John used to get out of him everytime. The one that meant he wasn't going to fight, or to say anything, because John's fists were heavy, and his words could destoy. Castiel had slapped him, once. He had apologized after, and is still feeling guilty for it. He had cried when Dean had laughed and said "My dad used to hit way worse, Cas, you shouldn't worry so much, I probably deserved it, hey ?"  
Castiel wouldn't hit him, but he would snap, or lash out and Dean isn't strong enough right now to fight back. He doesn't want to fight back.

"I'm sorry, Cas. You should go. I'll call Sammy, or Benny and see if they want to hang out". He's very proud of his smile. 

Later, before Castiel leaves, he pins him to the wall and blows him hard and fast. 

He spends the whole night smoking and reading in Bobby's backyard. When he gets home it's past two in the morning. He doesn't even consider their bedroom and sleeps in the Impala again.

In the morning, Castiel isn't here. There's no messages, no calls, nothing. Dean's decide it's a blues kind of day, and while the music plays he thinks about what he's going to do, now. He wishes himself strong enough and he hopes it'll be okay. 

He never realised how bad he wanted this, how happy he had been to see Cas every night, to wake up with him every morning. He used to think he would end up like his father, alone and miserable, too drunk to even think, but he had been doing better, lately. He has a job, that maybe isn't what his parents had wanted for him but he feels good working with Bobby, and he knows in time, the autoshop will probably be his, and he's okay with that.  
In his dreams, the ones he would never tell anyone, except maybe Cas, in the dark, he was picturing a house, with them two. He was picturing kids, and a garden, and everything he couldn't get when he was a kid and John would terrorize them into silence. One day, he would probably propose to Cas, and he would've wanted a big wedding, with all their friends, and family. He was picturing kissing frosting from Castiel lips, and tasting the champagne from his mouth, and yes it was cheesy and probably stupid for a grown-up man to want that, but that was the future he wanted.

Would Castiel marry him ?

Was Castiel in love with Balthazar ?

Would Dean be able to accept Castiel spending so much time with the other man, if one day they decided to have kids and a real family ? Probably. The truth about Dean Winchester, is that no matter what, no matter why, he'll always wait for Castiel to come back. Even if it means being alone, even if it means raising these kids by himself.

He thinks it's unfair the one he's able to love is someone who can't love only him. It's unfair he has to share Cas. It's unfair he can't have something good just for himself. 

" What are you doing in the dark ?" Castiel voice rips into his thoughts, and he looks around to see he is, indeed, in the dark. The sun had been down for a while, and he has been so lost into himself he didn't think about lights, or starting dinner. He makes a move to the stove, but Castiel stops him with gentle hands, and guides him to the table. "Dean, we need to talk."

Dean can feel the tears before he can even comprehend what he just heard. Castiel reaches to brush them away with a little pained sound, and Dean think that only Castiel could make someone feel so guilty when dumping them.

"I'm sorry Cas" he grips the hands on his face and hold them to his eyes. He's begging, he's sobbing and he doesn't care. "I'm sorry, please. Please don't leave, I swear I'll be better." Castiel gets his hands back and drabs him into his arms, rocking them both. "I'll be better, I'll do everything you ask. I won't say anything about Balthazar, or anyone. You don't have to spend time with me if you don't want to. You don't have to stay here, just tell me when you'll come back and I'll wait for you, just, just.." He's coughing, and shaking and Castiel is shaking too, and he feels so guilty, because he used to be stronger than this.

Castiel is cooing sweet things in his ears, telling him to calm down. "I'm never leaving you, Dean. Never. You're perfect, my love. You're perfect, and I want to be with you, all the time, always." 

Dean shuts his eyes and claws at the words. Castiel makes him his favorite, tomato soup and these fancy grilled cheese with the herbs, and they eat on the couch, watching Dr Sexy, because Castiel knows these DVDs are like an old teddy bear or a blanket for him. They shower together, Castiel taking time to wash Dean's body, hair, shaving him and massaging his muscles under the shower spray. Castiel getting on his kness and taking Dean in his mouth, watching him under these incredibly long lashes and making him feel like a fool for blushing. Castiel wrecking him with his tongue, and his lips and the moans he lets escape around him. Castiel swalllowing and holding him up with strong hands. Whispering love in his skin. 

Dean sleeps holding him close that night. And if he dreams about Balthazar's laugh, no one needs to know. 

Usually on Sunday, Castiel and Baz go for a swim together, since Dean is more of a runner himself. Well, Sammy is a runner, and Dean's love for donuts made him take actions. But not today. He wakes up to fingers tracing his nose, his cupid bow, and Castiel whispering to him words he can't really understand.

"Morning".. he burrows under the cover because he feels exposed, naked, and he's still feeling too raw from last night.

"Good morning Dean". Castiel is tugging at the comforter, and Dean decides to let go. Castiel kisses him slowly, not caring about morning breath, not caring about anything except Dean and his body he's tracing with fingertips. "Are you feeling better ?" Dean makes a sound that could mean anything. 

"Not going to see Baz ?" Dean keeps his eyes closed and enjoys the caresses on his skin. 

"Baz and I had a talk." Green eyes open in surprise, and Castiel is smiling at him. "We agreed I was spending way too much time with him while I could be home with my ridiculously hot boyfriend - his words. I am sorry I left you alone for so long Dean." Dean smile in uncertain, and he cups Castiel's face in his hand. "You know you don't need to be afraid of anything, love. I love only you."

"You don't love Balthazar ?" He sounds like a kid. Dean can see many emotions in Castiel's eyes. Anger at first, and he's quickly taking his hand back, making space between them. But then he can see sadness, and how Cas' fingers are now cuping his head.

"I love you, Dean. Only you. What's going on in your head, love ?" The rest of the words are muffled between tears and lips. 

And Dean thinks if he's the only one who gets Cas' love, it's only fair Cas is the only one who gets his body. It's only fair.

 

Days passes. Then months. 

True to his words, week-ends are now only for them, except for when they're having people over, and Balthazar will come with booze and gifts and a smile that put lights in Castiel's eyes. Dean can't even find it in himself to be jealous. They're still seeing each other at work, and Dean knows they're having lunch together, and Cas is sometimes too tired to drive back home, so he'll crash at Baz. He tries not to be too jealous, and when it's too difficult, he reminds himself of a time when sex didn't mean anything and was given to anyone willing to pay. Sex wasn't meant to be beautiful and sacred, after all.  
Certainly, what's happening now in his bedroom isn't really sacred anymore. He tries to make peace with that. From all that he lost since that night, he thinks that's the worse, but thinking about it won't change anything.

He fixes drinks for everyone, and doesn't need to search the room to know Cas and Baz are already outside, talking. He sits himself next to Sammy and enjoys the evening. Charlie is even louder than usual, and Benny is making them laugh with stories about Andrea, and how terrified of her he is. Jo is nursing her drink and being meaner than usual, but they all know it has something to do with the guy she is seeing lately, and they try to make light of it. All in all, it is a good night.

Gabriel is far passed drunk when most of the guests are gone. Dean and Sam unfold the couch and Dean lets his little brother put his man to bed. From the corner of his eyes, he can see how gentle he is, getting Gabriel out of his boots and his jeans, reassuring him that it's okay, Gabe, don't worry, no I don't think less of you. I love you too. It's so sweet it's almost sickening. He's smiling while retrieving all the bottles and glasses people have abandonned all over the place. Jo is watching him under her lashes, and Dean is hoping she used all her bitchiness tonight, because he's way to tired to deal with it right now.

Castiel and Balthazar come back from outside, where they were smoking and finishing their drinks. Dean cant help but notice how good they move around each other, how gracious they are together. He isn't the only one apparently.

"Gosh, baby bro, you and Baz are just like, made for each other, uh ?" Gabriel is watching them from under the cover, and it seems the alcohol had stripped him from the last bit of restrain he had. "I mean seriously, you guys are like, always together, aren't you jealous Deano ?"

Dean feels like a deer caught in the headlights, all the eyes converging to him. Balthazar looks stricken, still holding his empty glass in his hand, standing comically in the middle on the room. Castiel's eyes are wide.

"Yes, Dean" Jo's voice is syrupy sweet. "How does it feel, uh ? Are you jealous of your boyfriend and his soulmate ? Aren't you in the way ?"

Dean feels it like a blow in the guts, but figures that was what Joanna was going for. "Well, I guess I am ?" He shrugs and smile, a very tired smile, because he really didn't need this tonight. He can see a silent conversation between Cas and Baz, and can see Sam grabbing Jo by the arms and getting her to his car. "But I guess I know my place." he adds before she leaves. He doesn't really feel like cleaning anymore. He goes to bed.

When he wakes up, the house is clean, Gabriel is nowhere to be seen, and there's just a text from Sam. "call me".

Castiel refuses to kiss him, and he feels cold all day.

They don't really fight. Dean is too scared to fight. Castiel will just slam doors, and Dean will jump, years living with John gave him bad habits. When Castiel notices, Dean can see the guilt on his face, and he wants to reach to hold him, to tell him it's okay, it's not his fault, but he is not sure he's allowed to say that.  
Castiel starts to spend more time outside, and Dean doesn't really need to ask where. 

He does the laundry, he folds Castiel's clothes, and put them in his drawers. He wears them, sometimes. He cleans the place, and take care of the lilttle herb garden in their kitchen. He smiles when Sam asks about what he said and brushes it off with "come on, man, I was just trying to shut Jo up. Can you believe she's still mad at me for something that happened in junior high ? That girl is crazy."

Christmas is coming, and with that the Christmas party at Mary's. He lied to his mother, words easy on his tongue, just like when he used to tell her about this job he got in the city, and how everything was fine, telling her they were enjoying their Christmas together, but they would be happy to join them for the party. 

" My mom is having the Christmas eve party, this year. You and Baz are invited, of course". He was making cookies for the guys at the shop, and couldn't see the look in Cas' face, but the silence couldn't mean anything good. He forced himself to add "Of course, you don't have to come, I mean, it's not exactly fun to deal with my family." He shakes his head, thinking about the year Sam had decided to bring Ruby to the party. Fun times. "Maybe you should go on a date, or something then ? I don't know ?"

"I won't stop seeing Baz for you Dean." Castiel's voice is so cold Dean loses his hold on the bowl of icing and everything is a mess on the counter. "Don't ask me to chose, because .."

"I know." Dean urges, putting his hand up to ask for peace. "I know, it wouldn't be me, I know Cas. I was just.. I was serious, you know ? I know I can't really make you happy lately.." He laughs softly, eyes still on the mess in front of him. "I just want you to be happy, Cas. That's all I want."

The silence is so heavy Dean thinks he can hear is own heartbeat.

"Do you want me to come to the party, Dean ?" He closes his eyes and tries to picture it. The tree, and the smell of Mary's cinnamon cookies. Apple pie and mulled wine. He thinks about the music, and the misletoe, and even if they aren't going to last, even if it's the last time, he would like to pretend for a little more.

"It would make me happy, man." 

"Then I will."


	5. Chapter 5

The trip in the car isn't as awkward as he thought it would be. Castiel has been weird all day, as if he was nervous, which is crazy, considering he met everyone months ago, and they're all pretty much in love with him. He's wearing the sweater Dean got him on a whim, a dark blue cashmere that costed a lot more than what he was supposed to buy that day, but the surprise on Cas' face had been worth it. Dean thinks soon he won't be able to watch Castiel as much as he would like, and he drinks him up whenever the other man isn't looking.

"There's something I never told you." says Cas when they're halfway through. The music has stopped, and none of them had picked a new tape. "Something about Baz and I." Dean's fingers are white on the wheel, but he's going to be okay. Surely, Castiel wouldn't break up with him on the way to a christmas party at his mom's ? "We were lover. Once. I used to think he was the love of my life." Castiel is searching for a sign, anything, Dean can sense it, but he keeps his eyes on the road. "Say something ?"

"I know." Even fixing the road, he can figure out the look of pure horror from Castiel's face. "I've known for a while."

"And.. and..." Castiel is silent for a minute. " I'm sorry I never told you. I am sorry, Dean. How did you ..?" Castiel tentatively puts a hand on his tighs.

"Few months ago, you asked me to get a picture from your old computer. Messed up and find a whole file full of you two." He shrugs. "It's okay, you know. I get it."

"You do ?" Castiel's voice is almost inaudible. 

"I mean, you guys don't need to tell me anything at all. It's your privacy." They're almost at Mary's now, and seeing how this is going, Deans decides to park a little farther from the house. They can walk. He turns to fix Castiel, and he feels it like a punch to his face when he seens tears in the blue eyes.

"It's not about privacy, Dean. I honestly don't know why I kept it a secret at first.."

"You didn't want to trust the boy-toy, I get it." Dean is smiling, "Honestly, I don't really get how lucky I am you guys picked me, but I'm glad, you know ?" Castiel is crying, and he can't really figure out what's wrong, so he tries to get him into a hug, but Castiel pushes him. Hard. "What ? What's wrong ?"

"What do you mean, pick you ?" Castel's voice is broken, and Dean doesn't understand at all. Is it some kind of rule ? Isn't he supposed to say anything ?

"Well.. you know ?" He tries to smile again, but knows he fails lamentably when Castiel closes his eyes and lets a sob escape. "Cas, I know you and Baz are together. It's okay, now, I know. It was hard at first, but I've made my peace with it. I told you, I love you." He hides his face between his hands because this is just too much. It's all right to think these think, it's impossible to state them. "I just want you to be happy, and if being with both of us is making you happy, then I'll do my best." He can ear another sob from the other side of the car and it drives him insane. " I just.. It was hard a first, that's all. It's easier if you give me rules. I'm good with rules, you know ? It was hard watching the vid of you two, but now I know. I understand you picked me, because of what I used to do, and it's kind of perfect for you guys and.."

"Dean !" Castiel is horrified, it seems. He tries to reach for Dean, but see the other man flinch. "Dean, Baz and I haven't been together for the past five years." Dean is so shocked he stops breathing and has to remember to exhale slowly. "I didn't tell you because... because I'm an idiot ?" He coughs and tries to compose himself, but Dean can see he's as much as a mess as he feels. "Baz and I.. he's my best friend, yes. But that's the end of it. I am not having any kind of relationship with him, apart from friendship."

Dean can feel tears runing on his cheeks. He can't think, he can't deal with this. Castiel opens his door and tell him, voice ferm but calm. "Take my place and call your mother. Tell her we're both too sick to make it. I'll drive". It's easy to follow orders. Mary doesn't ask too many questions, sensing from the hollowness of Dean's voice he cannot really talk right now. The rest of the way home, Castiel doesn't let go of Dean's fingers. 

At home, Dean lets Castiel take over. He's being taken care of, and it feels nice, and safe. Castiel peels the clothes away from him, and tucks him into bed before disappearing. He comes back with coffee and some of the christmas cookies he bought to replace the one who suffered during their fight. When he gets under the covers, Dean lets himself being wrapped into his arms. He guesses something is wrong with him, really, really wrong, because Castiel has this look, the one he sports when Dean jokes about selling himself again, or when he calls himself bad names. He knows his head isn't right, sometimes. He knows. He had talked to people, and spent time trying to get things right, but maybe..

"You really thought I was cheating on you ?" Castiel voice is sad, but not angry. Dean still can't believe he was wrong, and a part of himself think it's maybe a joke ? Maybe a test of some sort. It's easier than to believe his head messed it all up.

"It made sense." Castiel shakes his head and he goes on " I just thought about everything, and what you said, when you said you would not pick me over him."

"I said I didn't want to, Dean." Castiel kisses his forehead, a rain of little kisses. "I love you. Only you, I told you. I spent too much time with Baz, and I'm sorry. If it makes you feel better, when we weren't working, I was crying about how I thought I was losing you, and Baz was telling me I was an idiot." Dean tries to catch his eyes, to see is he's lying. "I spent lots of nights crying myself to sleep on his couch, yes. I used to think I was giving you space, now I realise it wasn't a great idea." Dean tries to smile but it does't reach his eyes yet, and Castiel resumes his petting. They used to do this a lot, in the beginning, when sex with another man was just bad memories for Dean. When he needed reassurance he was loved, he could say no, he wasn't forced into anything. "You thought it was because of your past.." Castiel can't go on, and Dean just nods.

"It made sense" Castiel cuts, "No love, it doesn't", but he just goes on "I just tought was we had was perfect, Cas. I was so happy with you." Castiel flinches at the past tense, but says nothing. "Why did you lie, then ?"

"Because I was scared ?" He exhales slowly, and Dean can feel all the nerves lacing the body next to him, so he starts to caress him too. "Because as much as I like to pretend I am a grown-up, you make me feel like a teenage girl, Dean." Both men chuckles. "I used to ignore you, at the beginning of our relationship, just for the illusion of control it gave me. I knew that at least when I was with Balthazar, I could focus on work, and other things, and not let myself be consumed by you." Lips searching his, and Dean cannot say no, never been able to. "I am not as brave as you are in front of feelings Dean. I was so sure you knowing about Balthazar would mean losing you. You spent so much time telling me people couldn't be friends with their exes, and how you didn't think you could trust me with any of mine. I was never the right time, and after a while it was just too difficult."

"I'm sorry." Warm lips are shutting him up, and he can't feel in himself to be annoyed, because while his head is still pretty much fucked, he has Castiel next to him, in their bed, and it's just them, it's between them and it's love. 

"You have nothing to be sorry for, sweet boy. I can't believe you were ready to crush yourself just to make me happy, Dean. That's not right.." Dean knows they'll talk about this more, but not now. Not right now. Maybe he'll go back to see the doctor with nice eyes, and maybe he'll have to take meds again, but not right now. "I hurted Baz too, you know ? He still thinks I am ashamed of my past with him, for some reason. And he feels like he lost a friend.." At Dean's brow lift, Castiel's smiles. "He is very fond of you, Dean. He called you a friend at first sight, and was quite distressed to see how unhappy you were with him all of a sudden. He used to say maybe he just needed to disappear for you to be happy."

"He's always been so selfless." 

"Yes, apparently, that's something you have in common." Dean laughs and wraps himself even more around his man. His. Only his. He can feel himself being calmed by Castiel's heartbeat, by the rise of his chest, and he doesn't want to think about all they still have to say to each other. Months of silences and fights and misunderstanding. He can see from the way Castiel's eyes are moving he's realising things, every little things like puzzle pieces of a bigger picture they just couldn't see.

"Do you need me to stop seeing Baz ?" The question is honest, and Dean sense he could just say yes, and Castiel would erase him from their life in a second. 

That's not something he wants. 

"For a while, yes." He tries really hard not to shake, because a part of his brain still believes he'll be the one to lose. "I need to talk to you, and to be with you. And okay, maybe these past months have been Hell, and maybe I need to believe this is all..." Castiel wipes the tears he didn't realise were on his cheeks "I just.. I mean, does he know about me ?" The question is whispered, and Dean closes his eyes, afraid of what he'll hear.

"Your secrets are yours to tell, Dean". Castiel is whispering in his ear, and he's crying too. "Baz just knows you have things you have to deal with, and nothing more. Oh Dean.."

"I just want to be with you. I just need to be with you."

"You have me, my sweet sweet boy. Forever."

 

Dean wakes up to an empty bed, but for the first time in months, he doesn't get that dreadful feeling on his chest. Yes he's still wary. Yes, he's still wondering if it's true, if it's okay for him to believe. But there's hope too. He goes to the bathroom, and stares for a while at his face in the mirror. He remembers Sam's words. "Relapsing doesn't mean you are weak, Dean. It just means you're fighting". He sighs and open the cabinet, taking one of the bottles the good doctor gave him for emergy situations. Apparently this is an emergency.

He finds Castiel in the kitchen, and is as usual sticken by just how beautiful this man is. His man. Currently reading something on his phone while blowing softly on his tea. Dean finally moves and goes to claim a kiss, and another. Castiel happily obliges, making these little moans Dean is so addicted to. "Having fun here without me ?" He grabs himself a mug, and starts to consider the options for their breakfast.

"No. But someone needed to call your mother and tell her you were fine." Dean smiles and think he's even more in love, if it's possible. Only Cas would think about things like this first thing in the morning. "I then e-mailed work, and told them I wasn't going to work with Balthazar in the future." Dean stops pouring milk over his cereals and fixes him, mouth open. " I meant what I said, Dean. If it's easier for you.."

"But that's your work ! I mean.." The milk starts to go everywhere and he curses under his breath "You cannot just change your whole carreer.."

"Apparently I can." Bed head, only wearing boxers, an old shirt and some socks, and Castiel still manages to look calm and collected when he announces he practically made a change that big overnight. "I had to call Baz, to tell him first.. " Dean is grateful for the guilt he sees in the blue eyes, but he gets it. He does. "I explained to him the situation, and told him seeing him now would risk our relationship. He was the one suggesting I should switch team and work with someone else." Dean finishes cleaning the milk incident with a smile. Trust Baz to take actions. "He said, and I quote, to tell lover boy to feel free to call him whenever he wants. I didn't explain anything but..."

"Don't worry." Dean can see it in Castiel's eyes, and how he tries to hide it. "We'll see him when I'm ready. i'll explain everything to him, I just... not now."

"Not now." assures Castiel, going back to his reading and his tea. Dean can see there's something more. Something Castiel wants to ask, needs to ask. He eats his cereals against the counter and wait. "Dean..?"

"Yes ?"

"Is it why you stopped talking about the future ?" Dean chews to leave him more time, because Castiel knows all of his secrets, but he knows how hard it is for the man he loves to open up and speak his mind. And maybe that's another issue they'll need to comfront together. "Before, you used to talk about a house, and, and a better job for kids. Is it.. I mean .." And he can see, now. He can see how devastating it must've felt for Cas, to think suddenly his dreams were crushed, too. He breathes slowly, several times.

"Well, I think you're forgetting something. I'm not sure it's a good idea anymore." He can see the devastation on Cas' face letting place to sadness, and then acceptance. And he feels like such an ass for doing this that he rushes "You'll need to put a ring on me first." He grins like a idiot, seing the change in Cas' face, and laughs out loud at his name being shouted in mocked indignation. Castiel is crowding him in an instant, lips searching, fingers pulling.

"And any idea of when this wedding is going to be, love ?" Dean feel light and happy, and maybe it's completely stupid, but it feels right. God, do they have things to discuss, and things to get right between them? But for now, just for now...

"I have no idea. You see, I'm waiting for my man to ask me" He can feel Castiel's smile against his skin, and for once, after a long long while, he believes everything is going to be okay.

"Dean Winchester" whispers Cas against his neck "Sweet boy" he murmurs right next to his ear and Dean can't prevent his hips from moving. "Please." A bite. "Please." A lick. "My love" Lips just ghosting over his. "Marry me ?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there it is ! I really wanted to explore things solely from Dean's eyes, and to describe how self-doubt and jealousy could cloud his judgment so badly. I guess it can seem a little over the top, but I saw many people doing things to their relationship based only on suppositions and fear, and I thought it was a good thing to adapt.
> 
> Yes, in this story, Dean is clearly dealing with bigger issues, but I didn't want to approach them too much, probably because he doesn't want to think about them at all and deal with them.
> 
> I don't really like sequels, but maybe, I think I'd like to write another part from Castiel's eyes, and another from Balthazar's. But we'll see.
> 
> Thank you for reading, leaving comments and kudos :) It means the world !


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